Memo to Zeljko Kalac:
Dear Mr Kalac,

First of all, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Dave, I'm a 23 year old YUPPIE from Melbourne, Australia. I am also an avid Aussie Rules fan, and have also recently discovered a wonderouse sport called Soccer.... OK, FOOTBALL. I also recently discovered, that I am a superior Goalkeeper to yourself.

Let me give some kudos to the Socceroos for making it to the Round of 16 in the World Cup. This is no doubt a phenomenal achievement. I mean, it is THE WORLD CUP! We are in the last 16 in a sport no one really gives a fat rat's clacker about, in a country where we can't be fucked doing shit, knowing full well that someone else will. I think you're taking the attitude of your "adopted" country (let's face it, my kids won't be called Zeljko) too literally, hence your downfall and subsequent omission from tonight's game versus the Italians. You see Zeljko as "goalkeeper", and I do use the word so very fucking loosely, its actually your responsibility to stop the ball from going into the back of your own net. Funny how that works eh? So by relying on someone else to do it, well you aren't really helping the team. Actually, I change my mind. Your performance on Friday morning ensured we will never EVER have to fucking see your fucking useless cunt of a self in goals for my country again. Thanks for that.

Another thing I have to thank you for is scaring the absolute shit out of me. I must say, a comfortable 2-1 win over Croatia would have been pretty boring, so thank you for making the match that little bit more interesting. It was totally necessary. I particularly enjoyed your attempt at replicating the work ethic of a prostitute, or "slut moment" as I like to refer to it. Personally I wouldn't have thought that laying down on the job would be a smart move as Goalkeeper, but you're the professional, right?

In all seriousness Zeljko, I think you did a stellar job on Friday morning. The fact that you put your career and self pride on the line to assist your "home" country over the line was the act of a Martyr. What a dead set cunt act it was for Harry Kewell to rain on your parade. Oh well, at least you'll earn some good Euro playing for Hajduk Split, who will be the only team with any interest in you. Although you will still be second keeper behind Tvrtko Kale who I hear is blind and has muscular dystrophy. You'll be awesome.

Another thing you should be proud of, is the fact that you have done what few people have managed to do. Prove Aussie Guus wrong. He thought you were a competent replacement for Mark Schwarzer, but you made sure Guus was red faced by the end of the match. Good stuff! He needed to come back to Earth after all he has done for my country. Notice, I'm not saying "our country" Zelks... I'll get to that later.
Speaking of Mark Schwarzer, I do hope you've showered him with gifts and set him up with some good shmoo while staying in Oehringen. You wouldn't even be in Germany if it wasn't for his brilliant saves in the World Cup qualifier. Remember them? I do... quite well in fact. I remember he had to a) dive and b) stop the ball from going in the net, and he managed to do so TWICE in a penalty shootout. You wouldn't have ever dived before would you Zelks? Actually you might have back when you played in the NSL as a Striker or something. God knows you couldn't have trained as a Goalie your whole fucking life.

Just a heads up too. Despite being born in Sydney, I'm asking my good mate Johnnie H to consider revoking your citizenship and pissing you off back to Croatia. I can't hack useless fucks like you representing my country, and to be honest I've had enough. It's bad enough we can't trade Wilkshire for Stevie Gerrard, but you take the cake. In fact, I'd take Damir Dokic in goals ahead of you. At least that little fucker has some fight, and if we told him every soccer ball was a bowl of Strawberries and Cream from Wimbledon, he'd never drop a single fucking one.

I don't think I'm being hard on your Zelks, in fact I'm being quite lenient. And don't go harping on about your clean sheet against the Greeks. They're still celebrating Euro 2004, and that match was played during business hours (Local Greece Time), which is when they do their least amount of work. I could be mentioning the other instance whereby you decided to have a lie down after a Croatian shot, only to have them pepper another shot in with Mark Viduka (read: Key Striker?) saving the day with a top save. Not to mention the clutch ball roll straight to the opposition in the dying minutes, scores locked at 2-2. See, I never mentioned those things. OH MY GOD, nearly forgot your fumble from the corner.... FUCK ME!

In short Zelks, you're not up to it. Never will be either. Enjoy your distinguished career with Hadjuk Split, because your career with AC Milan and Australia is effectively extinguished. Game Over Zelks. I'll be happier watching the game tonight, knowing my Country's future is in good hands... ie. not yours!

Do videnja... I think that's Croatian for "fuck off you useless fucker" or "Goodbye". Same thing.

Kind Regards

Dave