World Cup 2006 Awards
What? Awards?!? Huh? That's what you're thinking eh? Well I understand the tournament is still underway, but with Australia being eliminated by a choco Ref handing woggo scum with a piss easy penalty.... fuck it... the tournament is over. I'll start with the obvious ones.

The Zeljko Kalac Award - awarded to the goalkeeper who shows the least amount of co-ordination and ability.

Winner - Zeljko Kalac - ironically, the inaugral award goes to the useless fuck it is named after. The "howler" committed in the Australia v Croatia game is unforgiveable, and as such instantly gave him the award, as well as the infamy of having the award named after him.

The Chucking a Dave Special - named after my good self, and my ability to spit the dummy at the most basic of things. Chucking a Dave is a well known expression amongst my friends, and involves me absolutely losing the plot and "Cracking the shits". Many enjoy a good Dave chucked.

Winner - Portugal/Netherlands - the award was in the bag for Harry Kewell until the spiteful encounter on Monday morning between these two teams. 4 red cards and some dead set dummy spits of the highest degree were witnessed. Nothing could seperate the two teams from winning this award. Kudos to you boys!

The "Oops I lost my pants" award - is awarded to the team who, despite being highly fancied, failed to fire any real shots in the tournament. Previous winners include France!

Winner - United States of America - easily the toughest decision of the awards distribution process. The Czech Republic were very unlucky to miss this award, however brilliance shown by Jan Koller and Tomas Rosicky tilted the award the way of the US. The fact that 1 of the 2 US goals scored for the entire 3 games was an Own Goal proves how bad the Seppos are, despite being ranked number 5 in the world. Good Show US... Good Show.

The "How the Fuck did they Qualify?" Award - awarded to the team that showed such little promise throughout the tournament, there would have been a better case to subsititute them for a team of Yooralla kids.

Winner - Serbia and Montenegro - what a great team. Not only do they advertise African Americans and not contain a single one, but they failed to achieve a result in their favour in each of the three games they played. They also got arse raped by Argentina.

The "Where the fuck did they come from?" Award - awarded to the team with the least expectation, apart from the weight of their country on their shoulders, that blew soccer fans away by flexing their ample muscle.

Winner - Australia - no one expected them to qualify. They did. No one expected them to beat Japan. They did. No one expected them to make it to the round of 16. They did. They also took the game up to those woggo bastards Italy, before having their hearts ripped out by a corrupt ref on a mission. Fuck you Ref, and fuck you Totti. I hope your children get molested and become pregnant and you have illegitimate grand kids.

The Goal of the Cup - awarded to the most crackingest goal scored by the biggest gun.

Winner - Steve Gerrard - could've been Joe Cole, but fuck it.

Actually fuck all of this. Fuck the World Cup. Fuck Soccer. Fuck it all. Why should I be happy with what happened? Why should we, as AUSTRALIANS, feel content that we exceeded expectation? We shouldn't! Its horse shit. Mr Harry Highpants ref blows his whistle, points to the spot and says Penalty, or some other choco word which means the same thing. Then that other fucking soft fuck Totti, fucking walks up and gets to fucking slam the fucking ball into the fucking back of the fucking net and fucking claim how fucking much of a fucking hero he fucking thinks he fucking is despite just being a fucking useless fuck with fucking nothing in his pitiful fucking existance other than the fucking fact that he fucking scored the fucking penalty to win the fucking round of fucking 16 match for fucking Italy against fucking Australia because the fucking ref decided it would be a good fucking idea to pay a fucking penalty in the fucking last ten fucking seconds when they didn't fucking deserve it fucking!

ARGH!

Fuck you ref. Fuck you Italians. Fuck you Spain. Fuck you Osama bin Laden. FUCK EVERYTHING.

Memo to Zeljko Kalac:
Dear Mr Kalac,

First of all, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Dave, I'm a 23 year old YUPPIE from Melbourne, Australia. I am also an avid Aussie Rules fan, and have also recently discovered a wonderouse sport called Soccer.... OK, FOOTBALL. I also recently discovered, that I am a superior Goalkeeper to yourself.

Let me give some kudos to the Socceroos for making it to the Round of 16 in the World Cup. This is no doubt a phenomenal achievement. I mean, it is THE WORLD CUP! We are in the last 16 in a sport no one really gives a fat rat's clacker about, in a country where we can't be fucked doing shit, knowing full well that someone else will. I think you're taking the attitude of your "adopted" country (let's face it, my kids won't be called Zeljko) too literally, hence your downfall and subsequent omission from tonight's game versus the Italians. You see Zeljko as "goalkeeper", and I do use the word so very fucking loosely, its actually your responsibility to stop the ball from going into the back of your own net. Funny how that works eh? So by relying on someone else to do it, well you aren't really helping the team. Actually, I change my mind. Your performance on Friday morning ensured we will never EVER have to fucking see your fucking useless cunt of a self in goals for my country again. Thanks for that.

Another thing I have to thank you for is scaring the absolute shit out of me. I must say, a comfortable 2-1 win over Croatia would have been pretty boring, so thank you for making the match that little bit more interesting. It was totally necessary. I particularly enjoyed your attempt at replicating the work ethic of a prostitute, or "slut moment" as I like to refer to it. Personally I wouldn't have thought that laying down on the job would be a smart move as Goalkeeper, but you're the professional, right?

In all seriousness Zeljko, I think you did a stellar job on Friday morning. The fact that you put your career and self pride on the line to assist your "home" country over the line was the act of a Martyr. What a dead set cunt act it was for Harry Kewell to rain on your parade. Oh well, at least you'll earn some good Euro playing for Hajduk Split, who will be the only team with any interest in you. Although you will still be second keeper behind Tvrtko Kale who I hear is blind and has muscular dystrophy. You'll be awesome.

Another thing you should be proud of, is the fact that you have done what few people have managed to do. Prove Aussie Guus wrong. He thought you were a competent replacement for Mark Schwarzer, but you made sure Guus was red faced by the end of the match. Good stuff! He needed to come back to Earth after all he has done for my country. Notice, I'm not saying "our country" Zelks... I'll get to that later.
Speaking of Mark Schwarzer, I do hope you've showered him with gifts and set him up with some good shmoo while staying in Oehringen. You wouldn't even be in Germany if it wasn't for his brilliant saves in the World Cup qualifier. Remember them? I do... quite well in fact. I remember he had to a) dive and b) stop the ball from going in the net, and he managed to do so TWICE in a penalty shootout. You wouldn't have ever dived before would you Zelks? Actually you might have back when you played in the NSL as a Striker or something. God knows you couldn't have trained as a Goalie your whole fucking life.

Just a heads up too. Despite being born in Sydney, I'm asking my good mate Johnnie H to consider revoking your citizenship and pissing you off back to Croatia. I can't hack useless fucks like you representing my country, and to be honest I've had enough. It's bad enough we can't trade Wilkshire for Stevie Gerrard, but you take the cake. In fact, I'd take Damir Dokic in goals ahead of you. At least that little fucker has some fight, and if we told him every soccer ball was a bowl of Strawberries and Cream from Wimbledon, he'd never drop a single fucking one.

I don't think I'm being hard on your Zelks, in fact I'm being quite lenient. And don't go harping on about your clean sheet against the Greeks. They're still celebrating Euro 2004, and that match was played during business hours (Local Greece Time), which is when they do their least amount of work. I could be mentioning the other instance whereby you decided to have a lie down after a Croatian shot, only to have them pepper another shot in with Mark Viduka (read: Key Striker?) saving the day with a top save. Not to mention the clutch ball roll straight to the opposition in the dying minutes, scores locked at 2-2. See, I never mentioned those things. OH MY GOD, nearly forgot your fumble from the corner.... FUCK ME!

In short Zelks, you're not up to it. Never will be either. Enjoy your distinguished career with Hadjuk Split, because your career with AC Milan and Australia is effectively extinguished. Game Over Zelks. I'll be happier watching the game tonight, knowing my Country's future is in good hands... ie. not yours!

Do videnja... I think that's Croatian for "fuck off you useless fucker" or "Goodbye". Same thing.

Kind Regards

Dave

My Jihad List.... Part Deux
Ok, so the general consensus is that I have left a couple of super important recipients of my Jihad. So lets continue.....

Buggy and AN#10 - I don't have a picture of you two, so I went with what was most suitable to me. You both get a special mention because you annoyed me at work today. It is a Jihad, not a Fatwa. I have no interest in Fatwas. Jihad by the Sword is what this is all about. It is an all out Holy War. But I may make an exception for the two of you. You can live, but watch you back. Threatcon Level is Orange around you, and you can be placed back on the Jihad list at any given time. Be Alert... no, fuck it. Be Alarmed.


Mexico - pronounced Meh-hi-co this country is known for its drugs, kidnappings, and hardcore tacos. They are also the home to another Cod Ordinary soccer team. A nil all draw with Angola? Come on! All I needed was for you fuckers to get up and win me some cash. Of course you couldn't, why would you manage to do that. I heard you were ranked 4th in the the Fifa world rankings? Ranked 4th at what exactly? Playing bullshit football? I hope all of your children get kidnapped, and there's no Creasy type bloke around to give up his life to save them. I hope all of your Radha Mitchell look-a-like wives leave you when they find you are nothing more than an impotent useless fuck, who can't score on or off the field. I hate you Mexico. Jihad!

Bargey - a semi Jihad on you for laughing at me because Mexico didn't win. That's a dead set ACT!

That's it for now, but I'm in a pretty good mood. Expect some MORE anger at some stage soon!

My Jihad List... You may ask why?
World Cup Soccer brings out the best in people, and it brings out the gambler in me. No, not that whole "You've got to know when to hold 'em" Kenny Rogers bullshit, but the real "blowing all your pay on a single fucking sporting event" gambler. And frankly, I love it. But, not everything about life is peachy keen. Hence my list. Known as, surprisingly, "My Jihad List". For the uneducated few, a Jihad is a Holy War. You know, that bullshit that Binny Laden is crapping on about, and those blokes had the snot beaten out of them in Cronulla about? Yeah well, a Jihad on the following bastards;

France - Allons enfants de la Patrie, Le jour de gloire est arrivé ! Most of you will know these words as the opening two lines of the French National Anthem, La Marseillaise. You know the tune, it's the theme song for the Brisbane Lions. Well, let me translate it for you. Arise children of the fatherland, The day of glory has arrived! Well doesn't that just instill you with national pride? No? Ahh that's right, the French are duds. You'd think a side with the likes of Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane would be able to overcome Switzerland wouldn't you? They didn't! In fact they played out a sensational Nil-Nil draw. The day of glory has arrived? My arse it has. I should have known better than to bet on the French. They sit on the fence, change their mind, and have no heart at all. The fact is, France have not won a World Cup match since they won the tournament back in 1998. In fact, they hadn't scored a World Cup goal since 1998 until this morning. Doesn't that make you wish you were French? What does FRANCE stand for? Fucking Recalcitrant Arrogant Nuff-nuffs who Can't Ever-Score. Yeah, I know I'm good. Jihad on you Jacques Chirac and your nuffy soccer team. Wait... Is Jacques Chirac dead yet?

Italy - hang on, didn't you blokes invent Soccer. Oh, sorry, its football isn't it. Well if you didn't, you've been playing it long enough so you may as well have. The whole world is blowing smoke up your arses, even your coach. Have you ever actually won anything? Didn't think so. Never short of excuses though are you? It was the refs, we had injuries, we only had 10 men (meanwhile the seppos had 9), and my favourite "we have had distractions with what is going on in Series A". It doesn't excuse you for having a 1-1 draw with the fucking Seppos of all people, and costing me $100. Unacceptable if you ask me. So what if one of your most popular teams are the biggest cheating scum on the planet.... good on them. You drew the match because you are not up to it. Rather than blowing smoke up your arses, the coach should look at going back to the fundamentals of sco, er, football. Tell your defenders the idea is to STOP the ball from going into the back of your own goal. Maybe then, will you hairy mofos, finally move forward. Another word of advice.... if you make the final and it gets to penalties.... try to NOT kick it over the crossbar. Capiche?

Serbia and Montenegro - you lot have so many fucking flags it was difficult to work out exactly what to put here. So I went with a map. Unfortunately, not a map of Tasmania. You will be the easiest to wipe out with my Jihad group, because you have a habit of taking the "lay down and die" approach. Good for you! I dunno what I am more dirty about; the fact that I had Argentina to win either 3-0, 4-0 or 5-0 and you lost 6-0 or .... no, that's definitely why I am angry. Argentina are ok, but I didn't think they were capable of giving you such an arse rimming. I was mistaken. While they scored goals at will, you lot ran around looking like spastics in a 4 x 100m relay. You wouldn't make it past the first baton exchange, that's how insipid you are. But you made it, so you gotta be proud of that. Jihad on you for not only the above reason, but for your blatant racism and false advertising in your country name. I saw not one African American in your team. You should be banned from all international sport you racist fucks.

Marco Van Basten - its difficult to put a Jihad on someone I admire, but I feel I have to. You were great for AC Milan Marco, and you easily top the "grouse name" list ahead of the likes of Jean-Pierre Papin and Ruud Gullit. I reckon you'd be an all round top bloke too. But I cannot help but question the subsitution of Ruud van Nistelrooij (that's the Dutch spelling communists) in the second half versus Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast duh). 3-1 Marco, that's all I asked for. Instead, you left a pretty ordinary outfit on the ground, and as a result... no dice for the D-Train. So as hard as it is, a definite Jihad on you MVB. A better man you will not find, but money is more imporant to me than you're level of nicety.

Brad Green - fuck I hate you. Look at the picture, and tell me one reason why anyone would hate him. You guessed it! He oozes spastic. Remember the 2000 Grand Final Braddy? Probably not eh? That's because you're a wimpy little spastic who has his throat smashed in by Dean Wallis. You deserved it, he knew you were a spastic. You would have made the Jihad list regardless of Sunday, but what put you at the top was your typical low-life act in the last minute. I'm not a massive Campo fan, but to drop your hip into his head whilst he is over the ball is a cunt act to the higest degree. To then call him a "ducker" intensifies how much I hate you. Memo to Brad: You know that you duck into tackles, squib out of contests and run away from physical pressure more than anyone else in the game. Hell, Angus Monfries would scare the fuck out of you, and he's in Kinder. I hope you get some sort of anus infection and it spreads throughout the entire Melbourne team. If not, look out. I will get you, and I will beat you will a 9 iron until you are a bloody pulp. I will then smash your bloody pulp around with my 3 iron. Jihad on you Brad Green, Jihad on you.

Jeff Gieschen and Maggot #19 - I wish I could let someone else tell you about these guys. This (left) is the bloke in charge of the Umpires in the AFL, and a greater douchebag you will not find. I kid you not. I combined the two of these together, because even if you put the Giesch and all of his umpiring brethren in the same room, you would not equate to the brains and morals of one human being. They do not have the slightest understanding of the game they attempt to adjudicate, and make the rules up as they go. Some would call it blatant cheating, and others would tell you its a conspiracy against the Essendon Football Club. I am not 100% sure what it is, but I know of 1 person who wants this bloke crucified in Federation Square. Somehow I doubt his resurrection abilities. The Giesch has an uncanny knack of defending his disciples every week in the Herald Sun. He particularly enjoys commenting on things that effect the Essendon Football Club, deeming us lucky to receive some free kicks, and lucky to not concede others. The world will be a better place without The Giesch and his cronies, so a Jihad on them. A big fucking Jihad.

So you all probably think/know I am an angry person. I'm actually not angry all the time though. Like most people, I sleep. I am usually happy during this time.

The final Jihad (for now).

Ronaldinho - obviously this bloke needs no introductions. Quite possibly the ugliest fuck playing soccer today (its a toss up between him and Wayne Rooney, but Rooney plays for England), this bloke owns possibly the worst goal celebration in Football (i'm learnding) history. The whole rock the arms back and forth shit is cod ordinary. In fact, I have to question who choreographed that move. But moving on. I put a Jihad on him for 2 reasons. The first is the celebration. The second is that he looks like a fucking horse. I thought I'd look into this a little further, so I tracked down his old man. He agreed to an interview, and I have included it here.

Me: So, Mr de Assiss Moreira, are you proud of your son's efforts in his chosen profession.
Dad: Brrrr..... *chews on some cud* Brrrrgghh.
Me: Ok. Well how do you think Brazil will go in the upcoming World Cup?
Dad: Neeeeeeeeeeeegih, reeeeeet, reeeeet, reeeet, brrrrrrrrghh.
Me: Thanks for your time sir.

So as you can see, Ronaldinho's father is in fact, a horse. I am not sure how this worked, because beastiality is illegal worldwide as far as I know. Further proof that his mother was sired by a burly stallion is Ronaldinho's name. He was born Ronaldo de Assis Moreira, but is known by the name Ronaldinho Gaucho worldwide. This is obviously a case of horse name selection, whereby a name is "made up" using syllables and words from the Sire and Dam.

I believe the Aussies should feel stiffed, given Brazil were allowed to field a Centaur in their team last night. I'm sure if the Aussies tried to get away with playing Goro from Mortal Kombat or Vishnu, we would've been reprimanded. Regardless of what we do, Fifa will continue to allow Brazil to break the rules. A Jihad on the rule breaker is the only solution.

So, come one and come all. Join my Jihad Brigade, and together we can rid the world of menaces and finally cause enough trouble to force the world to elect Guus as World Leader. Then, maybe, the world can concentrate on more important things, like Paris Hilton making more pornos.

Peace out homos.