Ladies and Gentlemen, It's Time.....
A lot can happen in 4 months, and it's almost been that long since I've updated this blog. So let me fill you in on the months of September, October, November, December and the start of January;
- I adopted an Ethernopian child. His name is Lamiclickclocksefu. He is 8 and has little to no literacy or numeracy skills. He is the perfect candidate for Union Leader or Leader of the Labor Party.
- I watched every episode of My Name is Earl Season 1, and all of the US aired Season 2. Same for Prison Break.
- I returned to my spiritual home and began working for McDonald's Australia again. I still have a slight Ronald phobia, and am as much of a cunt as I have always been.
- I witnessed West Coast defeat Sydney by a solitary point in the AFL Grand Final. Big Quintyn Lynch was on fire. He is my hero.
- I attended Derby Day. I got very drunk.
- I attended Melbourne Cup day. I didn't back the Jap horses (see earlier post about not forgiving Japs about WWII), but I did win a race down the straight of Flemington. David Hayes has made contact.
- I skipped Blokes Day. I've had my fair share of slapper, and decided to give it a miss this year.
- I attended Emirates Stakes Day. There was plenty of illegal on show, however I performed well and didn't disgrace myself. A big thank you goes out to my minders who kept me in check (that's minders, nor minors).
- I attended 4 Christmas Parties in 7 days. Each of them resulted in me getting shitfaced. Congratulations must go out to Carlton and United Breweries for providing a refreshing beverage paramount to allow ugly girls to appear better looking than they actually are. 1/4 in the vomit stakes, which reflects how "piss fit" I was for these social events.
- I got a tomtom for Christmas. Maybe people think I lack direction. Fuck you!
- I watched Australia sodomise England in the 4th Ashes Test at the MCG. Who would have thought when I purchased tickets to days 1, 2 and 3 of the test back in July, that that would be the duration of the entire test. Good on you England.
- I brought in the New Year with a solid drinking performance. Again, CUB must be thanked for their efforts.
So here I am, 4 months on and still loving life as much as ever. I have compiled a list of thanks for people who have assisted making the past 4 months such a success;
The English Cricket Team - Freddy, K-Pet, Monty and Co. Please return your test status to the ICC. What was billed as the most significant test series of the modern era was over quicker than Ugly Dave Gray without the nose spray. You are a disgrace and your countrymen will string you up by the balls upon your return to England. Let's hope that you successfully steer the team away from a win for the entire One Day Tri-Series, so you leave this country a miserable bunch of fucking failures who couldn't manage a single victory for the entire tour, despite playing a Yooralla 3rd Grade side. If you were from Pakistan you would come home to a burnt down house and pregnant goat. Consider yourself lucky.
Ricky Ponting - DK Lillee says you shouldn't be captain. Chappelli agreed. Many others felt similarly. Ricky answered his critics the only way he knows how. With a massive FUCK YOU 196 in the first test. Thank you Ricky.
Shane - This man needs no introduction. You all know what he did (hell, we saw it on Video with the big inflatable dick too), on and off the field. You are a champion. I love you, wanna boof you, get up here.
Mal Michael - BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't know what I love more. The fact you'll be playing for us next year, or the fact that you fucked Brisbane over harder than I would Hilary Duff.
Craig and Miss Finland - For making me so much money in 2006 and, in particular, making me into a punting phenom.
Makybe Diva - you did nothing in 2006, apart from copping it off Galileo. But I love you nonetheless.
Saddam - for sticking it to the man. There should be more out of control shouting in court rooms.
Osama - for playing the most kick arse game of hide-and-seek ever. I bet you're somewhere in the fucking White House, and that goose has no idea.
John Howard - for getting people so fucking angry. I love having a reason to pay out on these Labor fucks.
Ted Ballieu - for restoring a small degree of integrity in the Victorian Liberal Party. Build on it champ.
Bindi Irwin - for showing us how to deal with the shit hands that life deals us from time to time. You've been an inspritation to many, and your speech at your father's memorial service will be a vivid memory for many years to come. You're still a terribly ugly child though.
Bev Brock - for ensuring people understood that Peter Perfect wasn't a wife beater. The only people Peter ever beat were Dick Johnson, and the other shitkickers driving Fords.
Ian Thorpe -for finally fucking off. Go get AIDS you fucking Waterhouse fucker.
Damien Martyn - for finally realising you're not up to it.
Rudi Koertzen - for the slow deaths.
Billy Bowden - for... no fuck off. You stopped Shane from scoring a ton by giving Gilly out. You're a fuck.
The Barmy Army - for your chants alone. But the fact that your team is a bunch of fucking losers and you still kept on singing, that's unbelievable. Long live the Barmy Army! "You're convicts, you're convicts, you're convicts over there!"
Anyone I missed - You've been so good the past year. Making me laugh, making me so angry I want to punch your fucking lights out etc etc. Give yourselves a collective pat on the back. Many happy returns to all of you.
What lies ahead?
The USA....... and the McDonald's saga will roll on.
In the words of Macho Man Randy Savage - Expect the unexpected, in the kingdom of madness!
A lot can happen in 4 months, and it's almost been that long since I've updated this blog. So let me fill you in on the months of September, October, November, December and the start of January;
- I adopted an Ethernopian child. His name is Lamiclickclocksefu. He is 8 and has little to no literacy or numeracy skills. He is the perfect candidate for Union Leader or Leader of the Labor Party.
- I watched every episode of My Name is Earl Season 1, and all of the US aired Season 2. Same for Prison Break.
- I returned to my spiritual home and began working for McDonald's Australia again. I still have a slight Ronald phobia, and am as much of a cunt as I have always been.
- I witnessed West Coast defeat Sydney by a solitary point in the AFL Grand Final. Big Quintyn Lynch was on fire. He is my hero.
- I attended Derby Day. I got very drunk.
- I attended Melbourne Cup day. I didn't back the Jap horses (see earlier post about not forgiving Japs about WWII), but I did win a race down the straight of Flemington. David Hayes has made contact.
- I skipped Blokes Day. I've had my fair share of slapper, and decided to give it a miss this year.
- I attended Emirates Stakes Day. There was plenty of illegal on show, however I performed well and didn't disgrace myself. A big thank you goes out to my minders who kept me in check (that's minders, nor minors).
- I attended 4 Christmas Parties in 7 days. Each of them resulted in me getting shitfaced. Congratulations must go out to Carlton and United Breweries for providing a refreshing beverage paramount to allow ugly girls to appear better looking than they actually are. 1/4 in the vomit stakes, which reflects how "piss fit" I was for these social events.
- I got a tomtom for Christmas. Maybe people think I lack direction. Fuck you!
- I watched Australia sodomise England in the 4th Ashes Test at the MCG. Who would have thought when I purchased tickets to days 1, 2 and 3 of the test back in July, that that would be the duration of the entire test. Good on you England.
- I brought in the New Year with a solid drinking performance. Again, CUB must be thanked for their efforts.
So here I am, 4 months on and still loving life as much as ever. I have compiled a list of thanks for people who have assisted making the past 4 months such a success;
The English Cricket Team - Freddy, K-Pet, Monty and Co. Please return your test status to the ICC. What was billed as the most significant test series of the modern era was over quicker than Ugly Dave Gray without the nose spray. You are a disgrace and your countrymen will string you up by the balls upon your return to England. Let's hope that you successfully steer the team away from a win for the entire One Day Tri-Series, so you leave this country a miserable bunch of fucking failures who couldn't manage a single victory for the entire tour, despite playing a Yooralla 3rd Grade side. If you were from Pakistan you would come home to a burnt down house and pregnant goat. Consider yourself lucky.
Ricky Ponting - DK Lillee says you shouldn't be captain. Chappelli agreed. Many others felt similarly. Ricky answered his critics the only way he knows how. With a massive FUCK YOU 196 in the first test. Thank you Ricky.
Shane - This man needs no introduction. You all know what he did (hell, we saw it on Video with the big inflatable dick too), on and off the field. You are a champion. I love you, wanna boof you, get up here.
Mal Michael - BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't know what I love more. The fact you'll be playing for us next year, or the fact that you fucked Brisbane over harder than I would Hilary Duff.
Craig and Miss Finland - For making me so much money in 2006 and, in particular, making me into a punting phenom.
Makybe Diva - you did nothing in 2006, apart from copping it off Galileo. But I love you nonetheless.
Saddam - for sticking it to the man. There should be more out of control shouting in court rooms.
Osama - for playing the most kick arse game of hide-and-seek ever. I bet you're somewhere in the fucking White House, and that goose has no idea.
John Howard - for getting people so fucking angry. I love having a reason to pay out on these Labor fucks.
Ted Ballieu - for restoring a small degree of integrity in the Victorian Liberal Party. Build on it champ.
Bindi Irwin - for showing us how to deal with the shit hands that life deals us from time to time. You've been an inspritation to many, and your speech at your father's memorial service will be a vivid memory for many years to come. You're still a terribly ugly child though.
Bev Brock - for ensuring people understood that Peter Perfect wasn't a wife beater. The only people Peter ever beat were Dick Johnson, and the other shitkickers driving Fords.
Ian Thorpe -for finally fucking off. Go get AIDS you fucking Waterhouse fucker.
Damien Martyn - for finally realising you're not up to it.
Rudi Koertzen - for the slow deaths.
Billy Bowden - for... no fuck off. You stopped Shane from scoring a ton by giving Gilly out. You're a fuck.
The Barmy Army - for your chants alone. But the fact that your team is a bunch of fucking losers and you still kept on singing, that's unbelievable. Long live the Barmy Army! "You're convicts, you're convicts, you're convicts over there!"
Anyone I missed - You've been so good the past year. Making me laugh, making me so angry I want to punch your fucking lights out etc etc. Give yourselves a collective pat on the back. Many happy returns to all of you.
What lies ahead?
The USA....... and the McDonald's saga will roll on.
In the words of Macho Man Randy Savage - Expect the unexpected, in the kingdom of madness!
posted by mcdav at
21:33
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