My Jihad List... You may ask why?
World Cup Soccer brings out the best in people, and it brings out the gambler in me. No, not that whole "You've got to know when to hold 'em" Kenny Rogers bullshit, but the real "blowing all your pay on a single fucking sporting event" gambler. And frankly, I love it. But, not everything about life is peachy keen. Hence my list. Known as, surprisingly, "My Jihad List". For the uneducated few, a Jihad is a Holy War. You know, that bullshit that Binny Laden is crapping on about, and those blokes had the snot beaten out of them in Cronulla about? Yeah well, a Jihad on the following bastards;

France - Allons enfants de la Patrie, Le jour de gloire est arrivé ! Most of you will know these words as the opening two lines of the French National Anthem, La Marseillaise. You know the tune, it's the theme song for the Brisbane Lions. Well, let me translate it for you. Arise children of the fatherland, The day of glory has arrived! Well doesn't that just instill you with national pride? No? Ahh that's right, the French are duds. You'd think a side with the likes of Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane would be able to overcome Switzerland wouldn't you? They didn't! In fact they played out a sensational Nil-Nil draw. The day of glory has arrived? My arse it has. I should have known better than to bet on the French. They sit on the fence, change their mind, and have no heart at all. The fact is, France have not won a World Cup match since they won the tournament back in 1998. In fact, they hadn't scored a World Cup goal since 1998 until this morning. Doesn't that make you wish you were French? What does FRANCE stand for? Fucking Recalcitrant Arrogant Nuff-nuffs who Can't Ever-Score. Yeah, I know I'm good. Jihad on you Jacques Chirac and your nuffy soccer team. Wait... Is Jacques Chirac dead yet?

Italy - hang on, didn't you blokes invent Soccer. Oh, sorry, its football isn't it. Well if you didn't, you've been playing it long enough so you may as well have. The whole world is blowing smoke up your arses, even your coach. Have you ever actually won anything? Didn't think so. Never short of excuses though are you? It was the refs, we had injuries, we only had 10 men (meanwhile the seppos had 9), and my favourite "we have had distractions with what is going on in Series A". It doesn't excuse you for having a 1-1 draw with the fucking Seppos of all people, and costing me $100. Unacceptable if you ask me. So what if one of your most popular teams are the biggest cheating scum on the planet.... good on them. You drew the match because you are not up to it. Rather than blowing smoke up your arses, the coach should look at going back to the fundamentals of sco, er, football. Tell your defenders the idea is to STOP the ball from going into the back of your own goal. Maybe then, will you hairy mofos, finally move forward. Another word of advice.... if you make the final and it gets to penalties.... try to NOT kick it over the crossbar. Capiche?

Serbia and Montenegro - you lot have so many fucking flags it was difficult to work out exactly what to put here. So I went with a map. Unfortunately, not a map of Tasmania. You will be the easiest to wipe out with my Jihad group, because you have a habit of taking the "lay down and die" approach. Good for you! I dunno what I am more dirty about; the fact that I had Argentina to win either 3-0, 4-0 or 5-0 and you lost 6-0 or .... no, that's definitely why I am angry. Argentina are ok, but I didn't think they were capable of giving you such an arse rimming. I was mistaken. While they scored goals at will, you lot ran around looking like spastics in a 4 x 100m relay. You wouldn't make it past the first baton exchange, that's how insipid you are. But you made it, so you gotta be proud of that. Jihad on you for not only the above reason, but for your blatant racism and false advertising in your country name. I saw not one African American in your team. You should be banned from all international sport you racist fucks.

Marco Van Basten - its difficult to put a Jihad on someone I admire, but I feel I have to. You were great for AC Milan Marco, and you easily top the "grouse name" list ahead of the likes of Jean-Pierre Papin and Ruud Gullit. I reckon you'd be an all round top bloke too. But I cannot help but question the subsitution of Ruud van Nistelrooij (that's the Dutch spelling communists) in the second half versus Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast duh). 3-1 Marco, that's all I asked for. Instead, you left a pretty ordinary outfit on the ground, and as a result... no dice for the D-Train. So as hard as it is, a definite Jihad on you MVB. A better man you will not find, but money is more imporant to me than you're level of nicety.

Brad Green - fuck I hate you. Look at the picture, and tell me one reason why anyone would hate him. You guessed it! He oozes spastic. Remember the 2000 Grand Final Braddy? Probably not eh? That's because you're a wimpy little spastic who has his throat smashed in by Dean Wallis. You deserved it, he knew you were a spastic. You would have made the Jihad list regardless of Sunday, but what put you at the top was your typical low-life act in the last minute. I'm not a massive Campo fan, but to drop your hip into his head whilst he is over the ball is a cunt act to the higest degree. To then call him a "ducker" intensifies how much I hate you. Memo to Brad: You know that you duck into tackles, squib out of contests and run away from physical pressure more than anyone else in the game. Hell, Angus Monfries would scare the fuck out of you, and he's in Kinder. I hope you get some sort of anus infection and it spreads throughout the entire Melbourne team. If not, look out. I will get you, and I will beat you will a 9 iron until you are a bloody pulp. I will then smash your bloody pulp around with my 3 iron. Jihad on you Brad Green, Jihad on you.

Jeff Gieschen and Maggot #19 - I wish I could let someone else tell you about these guys. This (left) is the bloke in charge of the Umpires in the AFL, and a greater douchebag you will not find. I kid you not. I combined the two of these together, because even if you put the Giesch and all of his umpiring brethren in the same room, you would not equate to the brains and morals of one human being. They do not have the slightest understanding of the game they attempt to adjudicate, and make the rules up as they go. Some would call it blatant cheating, and others would tell you its a conspiracy against the Essendon Football Club. I am not 100% sure what it is, but I know of 1 person who wants this bloke crucified in Federation Square. Somehow I doubt his resurrection abilities. The Giesch has an uncanny knack of defending his disciples every week in the Herald Sun. He particularly enjoys commenting on things that effect the Essendon Football Club, deeming us lucky to receive some free kicks, and lucky to not concede others. The world will be a better place without The Giesch and his cronies, so a Jihad on them. A big fucking Jihad.

So you all probably think/know I am an angry person. I'm actually not angry all the time though. Like most people, I sleep. I am usually happy during this time.

The final Jihad (for now).

Ronaldinho - obviously this bloke needs no introductions. Quite possibly the ugliest fuck playing soccer today (its a toss up between him and Wayne Rooney, but Rooney plays for England), this bloke owns possibly the worst goal celebration in Football (i'm learnding) history. The whole rock the arms back and forth shit is cod ordinary. In fact, I have to question who choreographed that move. But moving on. I put a Jihad on him for 2 reasons. The first is the celebration. The second is that he looks like a fucking horse. I thought I'd look into this a little further, so I tracked down his old man. He agreed to an interview, and I have included it here.

Me: So, Mr de Assiss Moreira, are you proud of your son's efforts in his chosen profession.
Dad: Brrrr..... *chews on some cud* Brrrrgghh.
Me: Ok. Well how do you think Brazil will go in the upcoming World Cup?
Dad: Neeeeeeeeeeeegih, reeeeeet, reeeeet, reeeet, brrrrrrrrghh.
Me: Thanks for your time sir.

So as you can see, Ronaldinho's father is in fact, a horse. I am not sure how this worked, because beastiality is illegal worldwide as far as I know. Further proof that his mother was sired by a burly stallion is Ronaldinho's name. He was born Ronaldo de Assis Moreira, but is known by the name Ronaldinho Gaucho worldwide. This is obviously a case of horse name selection, whereby a name is "made up" using syllables and words from the Sire and Dam.

I believe the Aussies should feel stiffed, given Brazil were allowed to field a Centaur in their team last night. I'm sure if the Aussies tried to get away with playing Goro from Mortal Kombat or Vishnu, we would've been reprimanded. Regardless of what we do, Fifa will continue to allow Brazil to break the rules. A Jihad on the rule breaker is the only solution.

So, come one and come all. Join my Jihad Brigade, and together we can rid the world of menaces and finally cause enough trouble to force the world to elect Guus as World Leader. Then, maybe, the world can concentrate on more important things, like Paris Hilton making more pornos.

Peace out homos.