A Letter to Sol Trujillo - Telstra CEODear Sol,
I’ve kind of been wondering for a little while, whether or not “Sol” was short for something. I figured that either your parents were the “happy clappy” bible bashing type and named you after King Solomon, or your father knocked your mother up whilst intoxicated on the Mexican beer of the same name. For the uneducated (not you Sol, I know you’ve got a BSc, BComm etc) that’s a beer named Sol.
Anyway, I figured if I’m going to take the time out of my life to write to you, I should probably clarify the few ponderings I have. So, as it turns out, Sol is short for Solomon. Happy clappy bible bashers eh? How’d that work for you? Did they make you go to church much as a child? I guess I was lucky. I was baptised, had my holy communion and was confirmed, I attended a Catholic primary school and an Anglican secondary school, but my wonderful mother never forced religion on me. Oh, I appear to be going off track a little.
What is it with Telstra CEOs? First Ziggy and now Sol. Although Ziggy does have the better name. Does that frustrate you a little? Speaking of frustration, I should probably get to the reason behind my letter to you. I’d like to give you a brief insight into the source of frustration in my life at the minute. Get comfortable Sol, get comfortable.
Now forgive me if I get a bit distracted Sol, I am watching the Twenty20 on TV, and the Aussies will probably be chasing 160 or thereabouts. I hope they win.
Thursday January 8th, 2009 wasn’t a day I’d class as a favourite of mine Sol. I won’t bore you with the intricate details, but let’s just say there were a couple of things which were on my mind which weren’t of a positive nature. I guess I’m writing to let you know Sol, that the company you are CEO of, did little to appease my existing frustration and, in fact, quite probably exacerbated it. In short Sol, Telstra really pissed me off.
I’ll give you a bit of history Sol. I moved into my new residence on December 23rd 2008, and arranged for a third party company to take care of all of my “utilities” accounts. You know, the transfer and closure of accounts etc, that you don’t particularly want to have to worry about when relocating your entire life from one place to another. Anyway, the phone line connection request was lodged on December 3rd, however come December 23 2008, I was mildly surprised to find I had no active phone line in my new residence.
Now, I was flying to Melbourne that night (the 23rd for those struggling to follow – ie. you, Sol) so I wasn’t particularly fussed with a minor delay. I guess I was expecting too much to hope that the line would be active the day I move in, so whilst in Melbourne I could organise ADSL 2 installation/activation and not have to live without internet for too long a period. Telstra (your company) had other ideas of course, and didn’t activate my phone line until the 30th of December, two days after I returned from Melbourne, and twenty seven days after the initial request.
Ok, so it’s partially my fault because I was due back from Melbourne on the 2nd. I won’t go into the reasons behind my early return, because they are no longer of any significance and, truth be told, I’m putting that behind me. I don’t however, understand how the reason for the delay could be classified as “non-existent address”. I’m fairly confident the address at which I live actually exists. I mean, I’m sitting in my apartment as I write this. Or am I? Ooooh, maybe I’m in some parallel universe that only exists when I drive through a dimension gate as I enter the car park? I’ll investigate the possibility.
Anyway, as I said, my line was finally active on the 30th of December, which meant I was finally able to submit my application for ADSL 2+ with TPG, my ISP of choice. I guess I was a little annoyed to learn that TPG then had to request ADSL line activation from Telstra, which takes between 3 and 5 business days. That is process however, so I accepted this time frame, and knew not to expect too much with the New Year’s Day holiday on one of the intervening days. How was your New Year’s Sol? Get up to much?
January 5th 2009 was the day my ADSL 2+ service became active Sol. I’d like to thank Telstra for activating my ADSL service within 3 business days as opposed to the longer option. That however, is the last thing I will EVER thank your pathetic, incompetently run, shithole of a company for.
I was thoroughly enjoying the ADSL 2+ service I was provided by TPG, with the ability to download some fantastic music (legally of course), movies and TV shows from various sources at lightning speeds. This enjoyment, sadly, was short lived.
At some stage on January 8th 2009, Telstra deemed it necessary to disconnect my residential phone service. Of course, this fact was completely unbeknown to me until I attempted to use my internet and, lo’ and behold, it didn’t work. Now I wasn’t entirely sure as to the likely cause of my non-working internet, so I troubleshot as best I could. It wasn’t until a friend called my mobile service (non Telstra of course) and advised me that he received a message stating the phone had been disconnected, that I had any inkling that the problem may have been with Telstra.
Typically Sol, nothing could be done on Thursday night. Telstra’s operating hours for connections and disconnections are limited to 8am until 6pm, so I had to wait until Friday morning before I could initiate the process to rectify this monumental Telstra fuck up. I’ll fill you in Sol, the night did actually get worse after I found out my phone had been disconnected, however we shall not worry too much about that.
Friday morning, I arrived at work and began the long and painful process which was required in order to get my residential phone service re-established. I spoke to Chris from the connections/disconnections office, and queried why my phone had been disconnected, and what Telstra could do to resolve it. Chris’ response was simply that a disconnection request had been lodged on the 7th of January 2009, by persons unknown, and this had been processed. Chris also indicated that there were no notes as to why the disconnection took place, as my credit rating and payment history were impeccable (I might add Sol, that most things I do are pretty fucking good).
I was left a little baffled by this news, but was more shocked to be told by Chris that the likelihood of being given the same phone number were remote, and it would likely take a few days for the reconnection. When I asked Chris why he couldn’t simply “reverse” whatever was done on January 8th, he replied that Telstra have processes they need to follow in these scenarios. Now Sol, I must apologise, because it was at this stage that I may have “snapped” at poor Chris. I guess I found it laughable that Chris was talking about “processes” when A FUCKING TELSTRA EMPLOYEE HAS DISCONNECTED MY FUCKING PHONE LINE WITHOUT EVEN A SIMPLE FUCKING COURTESY CALL TO ME – YOUR FUCKING CUSTOMER.
What sort of operation are you running there Sol? You should probably remind Chris from Lismore that, as per the golden rule in customer service, the customer is always right. I think I’m particularly right in this scenario, seeing as your company managed to DISCONNECT MY FUCKING PHONE LINE WITHOUT ME ACTUALLY REQUESTING FOR IT TO TAKE PLACE. I’m sorry Sol, I don’t mean to shout or use superlatives, but I can think of no easier way to express my sincere loathing of Telstra right now. You are scum. No, you are worse than scum. You’re like the plankton that is shat out by a giant blue whale, beached on the NZ shoreline.
I should give Chris a little credit. After my early threat and request to speak to someone with a degree of competence who COULD help me, he managed to get my phone line reconnected and, surprisingly, allowed me to keep my number. I was a little frustrated that I had to threaten him in order to get this result, but I’m sure this is clearly defined in your policies and procedures manual, which he appears to have followed to the letter. Chris though, couldn’t confirm whether or not I had to have TPG re-activate my ADSL service.
I finally managed to get the answer to that question. I spoke to TPG who confirmed that I do in fact, have to have my ADSL connection reactivated. The news that further set me off was the fact that in order to have this reactivated, TPG would first need to conduct an investigation to determine why my phone line was disconnected. This would take one to three business days, of which Friday did not count. Now, despite my urging, TPG sadly couldn’t simply take my word that “Telstra are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits who get thrills from having little to no customer service skills, and quite frankly don’t give a fuck about the individual consumer”. So I’m here on Tuesday January 13th 2009, patiently waiting for the results of the pending investigation.
Did I mention that, once the investigation determined that Telstra were fucking incompetent (which we already knew Sol), I will be forced to wait a further 3 to 5 business days for the reactivation of my ADSL service? I guess I can look forward to enjoying my ADSL 2+ speeds again sometime in February then? That is of course provided Telstra don’t decide to fuck with my life again, and disconnect my line randomly at a future date.
Wednesday will be the 6th day I haven’t had internet Sol, since having my service activated on the 5th of January. It’s not all bad. I’ve been working out more at the gym, I went to Ikea, went out for some beers on the weekend (Blondes actually – I like my beers blonde, but my girls brunette – apparently) and have had an opportunity to write this letter to you without the distraction of Facebook. I also have Foxtel which is keeping me occupied. I probably shouldn’t miss having the internet too much, as I only had it for 3 days before your company fucked up and disconnected my line. Can’t really miss something you never had a chance to get attached to in the first place right? I wonder if the same principle applies to children?
So there you have it Sol. That’s my epic little tale highlighting the reasons as to my ongoing hatred for the company of which you are the CEO. I could take this opportunity to mention that you still owe me money for the 2 weeks of not having internet whilst living in Melbourne. I’m not sure if anyone told you about it, but my “support” call got escalated to “2nd Level” who never called me back. I did mention to your ever helpful “support staff” that my Cable Modem was the problem and I simply needed a new one. Of course, Telstra sticking to their FUCKING PROCESS AND PROCEDURE MANUAL needed to escalate prior to sending out any equipment. Pity there’s no fucking process for disconnections eh Sol? Your mob just do them as they please.
Anyway Sol, I think I’ve said all I need to on this matter right now. If you could be so kind as to pass on to your call centre and connections/disconnections department, that should they decide to disconnect my phone in future, I will hunt down the individual who requests the disconnection, the shitbrick who presses the button to allow the disconnection and the fucker who actually completes the disconnection, and I will rip out each of their throats. As each one of them slowly dies (can you die from lack of throat? Or would they bleed out?) I will utilise their throat as a flute and play a nice melodic tune for them. Something classical perhaps.
I’d also like to be compensated for the heartache and pain I’ve been caused by this entire incident Sol. I’d suggest something along the lines of a lifetime supply of beer (Pure Blonde – remember) and a lifetime supply of brunettes, if you get my drift. No Sol, not whores. If you could waive any initial connection fees too, that would be much appreciated.
Normally I’d finish with a “Take Care” or a “Yours Sincerely” but Sol, I hope you and yours rot in hell.
David J McMullen.
P.S. Don't ever shit where you eat Sol.
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